Contributed by: An Anonymous Woman
Story from: New York, USA
I grew up with the vision of saving myself till marriage. I envisioned getting married to the man of my dreams, the man who will on our wedding night slowly unwrap his gift - my body and all of me.
I envisioned it being the start of many meaningful and ofcourse satisfying nights. I envisioned it being a safe, fun and pleasurable experience followed by hugs, cuddles, kisses and a good morning the morning after followed by breakfast in bed.
But no one told me the reality could be different.
No one warned me of the other side of sex, lust and love.
I fell in love once at the age of 24 and it ended in heart break (while still having saved myself for that potential future husband). That heart break never stopped me in believing in love.
Fast forward 4 years, at age 28 I lost my virginity.
I lost it to someone I just met.
How did it happen?
Why did it happen?
I still don’t know but I hope my story inspires someone to do things a bit differently than I did..
As I write this a mixed emotions of sadness, relief, guilt, pleasure, happiness, freedom and disappointment floods my heart. I never knew I could feel this many emotions over one memory.
I’ve been sitting starring at this screen trying to continue to write my story but nothing is coming out, its probably the guilt from stopping me. or perhaps confusion?
Ok.. im back
So back to the story. The man I met was incredibly charming, handsome, funny and smart. All the things I loved. We spent 8 hours of talking, I haven’t talked and listened that much in one go in….. probably ever.
He after eating and having my third glass of wine at around 9:30 pm he suggested we change the scene and go to his newly purchased home. In my reletavily innocent mind, we would probably just kiss… and maybeeeeeeee my hand will go under his shirt if things got really hot.
We walk into his house, and I was mesmerized. It was exactly how I wanted my house, zen, earthy cozy and loving. He takes my hand, strokes it so gently and looks me in the eyes and within half a second somehow we were in his bedroom and kissing on top of each other.
A half second later my dress was off
A half second later his pants were off
A half second later he was inside me.
I was probably in shock at how quickly this happened. I didn’t moan. I was just in shock, thinking to myself wait what is happening. Am I losing my virginity, that I saved for 28 years to a man I just met?
Wait but he didn’t ask
Wait wait wait
he didn’t check in on me while he went inside
wait wait waittttt
I’m being violated.
I didn’t give him permission to go inside.
I also didn’t say anything.
Is that the same thing?
I don’t remember how long it took. I just remember it hurt. It felt unnatural because there was no love. Only lust. Temporary, momentary lust. He finished and rolled over on bed smiling. Seeming so satisfied. I lay on the bed next to him and said nothing but he didn’t notice. He was just happy and satisfied.
How could this be?
How could a man notice that I didn’t moan?
How could a man be so oblivious that I was just laying in bed with no reciprocation?
How could a man be so dissrepectful and not ask for permission to enter?
Actually maybe the question I should ask myself why didn’t I speak up and stop him? Why did I allow him to violate me? and sometimes I even ask was it a violation? Because apparently casual sex with strangers you just met is a thing in America….
I wish I could go back and whisper to younger me and tell her that you were right to wait for the right man because sex is so meaningful and an incredible force and should be valued for the deeper tool it is.
I wish I could go back to whisper to younger men who laid in bed unable to speak, to give her some courage to tell him to stop, to tell her that it is not okay for him to go inside without asking and to just assume that is ok.
I wish I could find that man again and tell me what wrong he has done and to not repeat it with other women. They may want to sleep with him on the first night but permission must be granted.
I wish I could tell all the young girls and boys to value sex. to not casualize it. to see the deep beauty it holds, and beauty like this should be cherished.
Think of him or her singing the below song for you. That’s the standard we need to aim for.
Today I have met someone who I love and happily have healthy sex. I love it and celebrate it every single day (even multiple times a day) but it is with someone who loves me before, during and after sex and that my dear makes all the difference on our conscious and subconscious self.
XYZ (i’ll be keeping anonymous for this very personal story)
This is Aida, Founder of 365 Days of Love <3
Thank you to the bravo woman for sharing this. This was definitely one of the most powerful stories and has many lessons within it.
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With Lots of Love,